Sweet, Sweet, Sweet November
This chapter has that reminiscent feel of a fresh new page. Smooth to the touch and rich in possibility. The question, and the answer— the blank page asks so much of me at times yet still holds a sense of security (that perhaps I am always searching for). Once you surrender to the page and lay it all down, it promises to hold it there for you. Then, you can walk away, lighter from the let-go. Like a fresh page, this chapter feels as much as the beginning of something, as it feels like another step toward healing old wounds [this time with more space for reflection]— a familiar, something new. I’ve balled myself up plenty— afraid of my potential, afraid of failing, afraid of being stagnant too… This chapter isn’t much about being afraid; it’s really about moving past it.
I am at the delusional stage of manifestation. I believe I deserve goodness [and will receive it]. What’s mine is mine; even when I don’t have it yet it is simply on its way, en route— an amazing opportunity, an achievement, a life-changing experience, a blessing… Moving with intention, I am making the most out of what I’ve got right now whilst always considering the bigger picture. I am determined to see how far intention can, and will, take me. Optimism, a challenge for the realist that I’ve become. These past few months I’ve had to grapple with levels of emotions I never knew existed until they were truly felt. It was painfully difficult to admit, especially to myself, how much I’ve been hurt, how much I am still hurting from things I thought I’d let go of, how much present things hurt in a whole new way… I see how my writing over the years and its messages remain so clear and so true— if I don’t unpack everything that’s been weighing me down [and wearing me thin] then I can’t fly the way I’m meant to; and the greatest version of myself is sick of waiting to fly. I am an older version of myself, now grateful for this knowledge of taking steps toward healing, and allowing myself what only I can.
Giving myself this freedom to be my most authentic self is how I am breaking generational curses. In a therapy session last week I thought aloud about the way Black women/femmes are robbed of the right to our own lives, the right to choose ourselves. I thought aloud about how we are shamed for considering ourselves before we consider anyone else… How ruthless the world can be when we refuse to sacrifice. I’ve always wanted to get to know myself and live as who I know I am, long before I have to be anyone else’s anything— mother, spouse/partner, etc. My intuition says that the time to get to know me is now; and that discovering new parts of myself lays outside of my comfort zone. Finding out what I like, who I like, what spaces I feel safest in, where (and how) I can show up as my most authentic self. Staying where my energy [and goodness] is reciprocated. Spending time alone, enjoying my own solitude. Getting to know me feels much like the fresh new page, where I am reminded of how capable I am, and how ready I am to receive all I’m meant to have. When showing up as who I want to be seems scary, I remind myself how important it is to move past that; how I’ve promised myself and my ancestors to be free— to get what we all deserve. I’ve promised to fight for my joy, for my peace, and win.
