Which Tone Gets Me Heard?
The term tone policing has been circulating for quite a few years now. Multiple events in Black culture have recently occurred though, that have now had the term both in our ears and all over our screens. Tone policing is a personal attack and anti-debate tactic based on criticizing a person for expressing emotion. It detracts from the validity of a statement by attacking the tone in which it was presented rather than the message itself. Tone policing perpetuates this idea that emotion and reason cannot coexist, therefore “reasonable” discussions cannot involve emotions. An example: criticizing Black Lives Matter protest/protestors. What have we heard in this fight for our livelihood and liberation? Comments on our “rage,” and the “purpose” of rioting, as well as suggestions on how to “peacefully protest.” As if there was a proper way to digest Black death, as a Black person. As if there was a right way to express the pain of generational (and personal) trauma you’ve been left to unpack. How do you grieve in a way that does not get you killed? How do you talk around your own oppression to put everyone else’s comfort before your own? Tone policing the ways in which the oppressed express their pain is also a part of oppression. Focusing on just the emotions of those affected invalidates their pain/experiences and trivializes the issue, as the attention is now taken off of the severity of Black lives lost to police brutality and the endless effects of systematic oppression.
Another example of tone policing is telling Black women that how we express our plight is the reason why we are ignored and/or disrespected. It’s labeling our “tone” as divisive though certain situations are literally a matter of life or death for Black women. It’s the demand that we separate emotion from logic (and the constant accusation that our “arguments” lack either one), and it’s when the “need to be educated” seems to be the reverberated response when Black women express qualms within the community. However, when the education leads to your identification as a culprit of misogynoir, you run and hide. You misdirect your rage, yell obscenities and nonsensical rationale, you gaslight, you center yourselves in someone else’s experience. You tell someone else what they know. You speak for, and you speak at. You refuse to be wrong. You refuse to accept that you have hurt others. You refuse to accept that you have contributed in hurting others; with your ideals and opinions, if not with your actions. You defend another culprit who knows just as much as you think you do. You look to debate and discourse, even after revealing to have little to no knowledge on certain topics, whilst perpetrating problematic behavior and rhetoric. Why must the call to be educated come after you’ve already bigoted yourself into a corner? Why introduce tone as an issue, if not to deflect attention away from the severity of misogynoir, and invalidate our mistreatment? Black women try every tone, trust me. Still, in a world that insists our cries be lost in translation, it’s about tone before it’s ever about protecting and prioritizing our lives.
Lastly, in seeking knowledge, asking of the oppressed or most affected group to educate you on your own indiscretions (for free at that), without the slightest attempt at doing your own research is a disservice. There is no such thing as a crash course on lifelong changes, redirection, or positive decision-making. Survivors and the most affected working through their own trauma, and those who are putting in the work for their own betterment are not obligated to aid you in enlightenment, and certainly not for basic human decency in return. Sincerity calls for ridding of entitlement, and utilizing resources without associating forms of labor from the oppressed as a resource. It means taking accountability for the work you’ve refused to do, and it means acknowledging where your privilege has placed you on the hierarchy of society. With privilege comes more access to educational resources; yet look at all that marginalized groups have done/learned with so little. Consider what type of access your privilege grants you and the possibility that the marginalized groups you ask for education have way less, consider respectfully asking for a point in the right direction instead of asking for labor, consider https://www.google.com/ and remember, self-awareness (with humility) is key.
