Writing flows when it wants to, how it wants to, where it wants to… I’ve always admired its freedom to just be— loud in its own special way, just by physically being there, embodiment of thought. Writing takes up space, makes the mouth take shape, moves things inside me all about. I am lost without writing; and still, I struggle to write whenever I’m feeling lost. During this hiatus, it has been hard grappling with the fact that though writing is my passion, it has a flow that cannot be forced. There are times when nothing flows at all; times when the only thing you can do is take a step back, live life, and try to absorb every nuanced detail for later. The frustration of never knowing how long the next drought will be, paired with surviving every day? I’ve been moving through 2021 in a personal silence, a private experience so new to me. I’m experiencing so much for the first time, when it comes to writing, I am torn between taking it all in and writing about everything, or I’m fearful of what future-me will feel as she reads about all her past woes, reliving whatever I’d consider my darkest moments [prior to getting my life together]. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever have it all together— I’ve sat and asked myself what does this really look like. So, instead of writing, I wonder. 

I’m more than halfway through Chapter 24 right now; and I’m digging quite a few of the plot lines. Others, not so much. It’s an eventful read. Previously, the girl quit her 9-5 to become a freelance writer. Now, she’s fallen in love, she starts journaling again, she has car trouble(s), she’s depressed. The girl gains several new responsibilities, but also realizes how much she deserves joy. The girl gets a cat. The girl wants to move; she becomes a frenemy to commotion. The girl breaks down in the hustle and bustle— often; and so much more. The longest chapter yet, I am constantly reminded of the need to take my time. This one is for the books. Most times I don’t know what to write while I’m [considering myself] on autopilot, just doing what I must to get through or to get by, falling into the mundanity of the day-to-day. When I am not on autopilot, I am enjoying the days that depression and anxiety aren’t tag-teaming. I am making sure I am present to soak up all the goodness that I find.

The last year and a half have refused to be controlled or predictable. For me, the good and the bad either moved in slow-motion, or got fast-forwarded while I struggled to keep up. I want to be present, need to be present, for the abundance that I know is coming my way. Time is flying without remorse, and as much as I pray for abundance, I also need to celebrate the abundance of milestones being met. I’m featured in Issue 6 of a zine called Moody this month. The end of this month will make this my second year out of undergrad (I absolutely will be blogging in the near future about how this feels, and where I am— expectations vs. reality). Next month will make the first anniversary of this blog! Next month my hair will be three years loc’d. The anniversary of my first healthy romantic relationship is coming up soon as well. I look at all this evidence of how life is happening, moving along and changing constantly whether I am ready [to move along too] or not. These days I’m feeling the strongest pull I’ve ever felt to get up and keep going [though some days are much harder than others]. Whether I have it all figured out or not, I now understand the importance of simply standing still and pausing whenever I need to. In this way even not going backwards is progress.